Mister Spider
something I noticed this sunny Tuesday afternoon :)
In the time that small Mister* Spider explored the perimeter of my room, I:
had a lovely nap with my boyfriend in the half-sun stripes produced by my blind
woke up and noticed the spider had moved from one side of the windowsill to the other
drank some water - it felt cold in my tummy
read a few pages of my favourite book (Women Who Run With The Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estés - highly recommend <3) about rage
felt pretty optimistic, the sun was making me happy
changed the music I was listening to because I wasn’t feeling “a nice kind of quiet” playlist and fancied Them&I’s discography instead
wrote multiple reviews for my favourite perfume oils that I recently purchased from a beautiful independent company
looked at a few pictures I’d recently imported from my camera - I wasn’t as ugly as I thought in that picture after all! (
when will I learn?)banished my phone to the other side of the room
stared out of the window and wished I’d liked myself sooner
stared out of the window and wished I’d had more confidence sooner
stared out of the window and watched a bird circumnavigate the chimneys of other houses nearby
stared out of the window and wished I’d started work sooner
procrastinated doing my assignment
thought it was a good idea to check if my previous grades had been released for some academic validation/motivation
smiled over one good grade, cried over the other not-so-good grade (it hurt)
questioned if I even had a shred of intelligence left in me, and if I was a worthy university student
had a lump in my throat as I asked my boyfriend for a hug
confessed my not-so-good grade (scary, would he still like me?
of course, goodness me)listened as my boyfriend said nothing negative about me (that was nice)
thought to myself I am more than my academic success, and reminded myself that my grade was lower than I’d hoped for because I was unfamiliar with the format, not because I didn’t try
questioned whether I try hard enough at all? What if all this time I’ve been tricking myself?
worried that trying to convince others that I am a good person is the Biggest Trick of All
cried some more but drank more water to replenish 👍
wondered if I could manage two whole litres of water today
opened my laptop and typed and typed my feelings out to try and process/understand myself (we’ve been in this position before)
tried to frantically plan my day and the rest of the week
stopped myself from frantically planning because I know I never stick to my own plans
felt ashamed at my lack of discipline
told myself I am a strong woman! (and
tried toalmost believed it)felt guilty for lowkey being addicted to reels (yes I know that’s so cringe ugh)
told myself I can do better! Starting ‘right now’ (of course)
reconsidered what this university degree is actually giving me, am I even happy? Is it worth my money?
panicked because I really want a first class degree
remembered I’m still learning and that it is okay to make mistakes
changed my perspective, looked at the sky upside down
sat at my desk and ate some pretzels I bought yesterday (they taste like the cardboard they make board games with)
sprayed lavender mist
begged myself to answer my own queries on if I have enough time in life (
who can prove this to me?)made my bed (it was messy, in the corner of my eye)
refilled my bottle
had an amazing idea for my assignment!
felt better
considered letting the capitalist machine win
lay down on my bed and let the blood run into my legs hanging off the edge
saw the spider, and noticed how far it had walked
thought about all the things I had done in that time
resumed my position at my desk
messaged my father about my cat (she’s on steroids)
messaged my mother, through my father (she’s not, nor ever has been, on steroids)
messaged a friend who makes my heart smile
fixed my posture! My back was sore
opened some new tabs, tabula rasa
pranked myself into being a good, productive uni student
opened substack
“stopped myself from frantically planning because I know I never stick to my own plans” honestly so real